heart's in my throat but the words won't come
2003-05-30 @ 9:51 p.m.
this is getting really ridiculous, i swear . first i feel this hot rush go through my body, then my heart starts beating really fast and i start shaking and my teeth start chattering and i have to give myself a fucking pep talk .. just to pick up the phone and dial his first six digits . oh, it's natural to be nervous when calling an ex boyfriend, i tell myself . it's okay for my fucking hand to be shaking so much i can hardly dial the number, for my throat to be so dry i can hardly talk and for me to be so scared of having to talk . he answers, ofcourse, the conversation goes exactly as predicted, he asks me out and i make excuses as always . and he knows i'm avoiding him, and i know it, and the only thing i can think of is this has to end . what's wrong with me ?
and i keep telling myself, "they're just people, just like me . they've got the same flaws and they're just like me . no better, no worse ." and it never works .
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so he and his friend just stopped by and we hugged & stood around outside & whatnot, and i felt completely comfortable with him . his arms felt so warm, like i could fall asleep in them . so why do i get like that .. why why why why ???
"apathy is a solution . it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with reality . it's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it . it's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it . love costs, it takes effort, work ." -se7en
